5 tips to survive (and then thrive) while grieving the loss of your marriage:

After finding out about an affair, you probably feel like your heart has been ripped apart. Your entire body is in pain. Emotionally and physically, you are in shock. Each morning you wake up thinking it was only a nightmare, and then it hits you that this is your life. If you were like me, you couldn’t eat for weeks because your stomach had tightened into a solid rock. Emotionally, you are a wreck, caught between anger, hurt, fear, and shock. Survive? Maybe. Thrive? Doubtful.

I promise you, though, it gets easier. Because ten months ago, I was in your shoes. I didn’t think that the pain would go away. Being betrayed by the person I loved and trusted most was devastating. Despite this, my brain immediately began counting the passing days and months. So in the back of my mind, I must have known that I could survive this. That I would survive this. After all, what option did I have? My kids were 2 and 4 years old and still needed me for everything. I counted days until I reached 1 month, then 2 months, then 3 months. Now here I am going on 11 months and I’ve stopped counting. Not because I don’t care, but because it doesn’t affect me the same way. The 23rd of each month passes without me really noticing. And that’s how I know I’m okay.

So let’s talk about moving forward. What does that look like? Well, grieving the loss of your marriage, of course. But how can you grieve and come out the other side okay? I don’t like theoretical advice – I like solid, practical, pro-active advice I can actually implement. Like, right now. That’s what I wanted when I was barely surviving, so that’s what I’m here to share with you.

Here are five tips to help you move through the 5 stages of grief. These are not extraordinary, but they were so important to me on a daily basis when all I could focus on was getting through each day. These are what kept me surviving, and then ultimately, thriving. And thriving does not mean I can’t cry; it doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally throw myself a pity party of one. No, it means that I am moving forward in a positive way. It means I am growing stronger emotionally, my confidence has increased, I’ve created distance between myself and my former spouse, and I am happy with who I am ON MY OWN. I think that’s the key. But this certainly takes time, and definitely takes a lot of healing. So here are the top 5 most important ways I have dealt with infidelity, grieving my marriage, navigating divorce, and moving towards happiness, despite the odds.

Here we go….

1. Professional Therapy: Hands down, I am a huge proponent of speaking to a professional when dealing with trauma. I wasn’t always like this, but the past 10 months with my therapist have helped me discover so many things about myself, and so many things about my partner that I could not have done on my own. The key is that this person is a professional, and totally unrelated to you, therefor they are unbiased. Allso, they have typically seen your situation many times before. The advice my therapist could give me was the best I’ve ever received. All therapists are not good, few are great, but I believe there was a reason that I found my therapist. She is amazing. Yes, therapy is expensive. It’s difficult to understand how helpful a good therapist can be until you get a great one. I was lucky that she had a sliding pay scale, and that helped me afford the cost. So if cost is stopping you, don’t be afraid to ask if your therapist offers this. It is worth it. Hands down.
2. Sleep: You need massive amounts of sleep to get through trauma. Dealing with infidelity is incredibly painful and deciding to divorce is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. Therefor, your body is not only physically exhausted, your brain is emotionally exhausted. There is little room to think about anything else, honestly. Therefor, sleep is essential. For months, my sleep was terrible because my brain wouldn’t stop focusing on the affair. Exhausted was an understatement. Despite this, I knew sleep was the most important thing I needed, so I tried to nap, go to bed early, do anything that would allow my body more rest. Because I noticed that when I wasn’t sleeping, I was getting sick almost every other week. My body just couldn’t fight anything off because it was so depleted.
3. Exercise: Once I was getting enough sleep, I started getting outside for walks and bike rides. I didn’t force myself to exercise when I wasn’t sleeping, because I had zero energy and was completely drained. It does not have to be a big workout (unless you miraculously have the energy for it)). No, you just need to get your body moving. It will allow your mind and body to relax, and maybe you can pop in your earbuds and listen to music or call a friend. Or just walk in silence and listen to your own thoughts. Regardless, just get out there and do a 10 minute walk around the block. The fresh air, and change of scenery will do wonders for your mood.
4. Music: I’m a huge fan of music. I started listening to a worship mix on Pandora pretty much right away. We’re talking 24/7, I was listening to this music. After filling my life with podcasts and books and self help tips for the previous year, I realized none of that mattered right now. None of that was important to me anymore. Music, however, spoke to me. It felt like the lyrics were directed right towards me, strengthening me and filling me spiritually. I still listen to it (a lot) and I also listen to Air 1 radio in my car. It lifts me up and encourages me to keep going. I truly believe that despite it all, my life is still good, and there are better plans for my future.
5. Getting dressed each day with makeup: Yes, you’ll probably cry a lot and ruin your makeup throughout the day. But doing this had a huge impact on how I presented myself when I left my house, and also when I stayed home. I was incredibly hurt and devastated, but not broken. I had my dignity, even though so much had been stolen from me. So I felt stronger when I was well dressed, taking care of myself because I knew I deserved it. “I still have my dignity” were the words that pulsed through my mind each day. When I looked into the mirror, I saw a woman who was struggling, but also a strong woman who was willing to fight. And I wanted to give myself the respect I know I deserved. So I forced myself to get out of my pajamas each morning and put on a nice outfit, and then apply makeup. Believe me, it may sound ridiculous, but it had a hugely positive effect on my self esteem. So don’t skip this one!

There you go! I hope that wherever you are, just know that you are not alone. There are so many others who have survived infidelity and divorce, and have found happiness in the future. I’m only halfway there, but if my story can give you anything, I hope it’s encouragement that you WILL be okay!

If you are in my shoes, or have walked this path before, I’d love to hear what worked for you. Send me an email or comment below.