Dating after Divorce: Take 2
Dating is similar to a moth around a flame. The moth may get burned a few times, but despite the burn, he still can’t resist that bright, shining light of (potential) love!
Sound familiar?
Yep, most of us get burned a few times looking for love. But hopefully we eventually find the one that allows the flame of love to keep shining strong and never burn out. And since most everyone is looking for a relationship (or something along those lines), everyone enters the dating game at some point in their lives. Some of us are just extra lucky and get to re-enter the dating scene after divorce. Yes, all you married folks can live vicariously through us….
Everyone has good, bad, and mediocre dating experiences. We all have stories to share – right?
Dating is just a fact of life. In a sense, we’re lucky that we do get to choose who to date, who we like and see where it goes.
(Arranged marriages might help us avoid the heartbreak that comes from dating, but do any of us really want our parents choosing our spouses?!)
Um, no. We do not.
Hopefully.
But back to dating after divorce. It’s complicated in a major way.
Divorce sucks, and there’s no way to sugarcoat it.
If you read my previous post, I talked about how my dating experience has been pretty fun. I’ve met a lot of great guys! But dating after divorce is truly like finding a needle in a haystack. Because…..hello, kids.
Kids add a new dimension to the dating scene. In addition to finding out if your new crush has similar interests and hobbies, while also being funny, kind, smart and cute….there are a few new hoops for them to jump through, including:
how do they parent? how old are their kids? would their kids be good influences on my kids? why are they divorced? what is their custody schedule? are they a good dad? what is their relationship with their ex? how far away do they live from me? does their kid free lifestyle align with my current lifestyle? and even if we like similar things, will this whole blended family thing really work if it does get serious??
Honestly, that list can go on and on. I can see where it might be easiest to throw in the towel and say, maybe I’ll date in 15 years when my kids leave for college.
ha. That thought has passed through my head more than once.
I mean, it’s a lot to think about. Blending two families, households, baggage, ex’s……Plus, with the divorce rate being so high for second marriages, I don’t want to put my kids through something that might not work out in the long run. Nightmare.
But…since I’ve had a good experience dating & this was my first time using dating apps – I thought I’d share what worked for me. Because miraculously, I managed to avoid a lot of creepos and actually met some nice guys!
Here goes….
My tips for dating after divorce:
- Be yourself. Be natural! The times where I’ve just truly been myself and opened up, the guys seemed smitten. Probably because I reflect the confidence in who I am and what I value. I find confidence, humor, and an easygoing nature very attractive in a man. So if that’s what I find attractive, they’ll likely find that attractive in me.
2. If you have kids, be upfront. If you don’t want to tell a guy that you have kids, it seems like you are hiding something. And do you really want to attract a guy who won’t like you if you have kids? NO. If you are a mom, that life isn’t going anywhere, and you shouldn’t lead a double life. If you are seriously looking for a man that might become part of your life, long term, this guy needs to know from the beginning that you have kids.
3. However…don’t talk too much about your day to day life with kids. (I learned this the hard way….) Yes, I will briefly talk about my kids, but no guy who is just getting to know me wants to hear all about my morning at the playground and how my kids didn’t nap that day. They’re just not interested in that. They ARE interested in who you are as a person, though, and want to know more about YOU! I slowly learned how to separate the kid stuff, but it was a learning curve – because I’m a stay at home mom and that truly is my life!
4. On that note, keep your kids out of the picture. Your kids don’t need to meet anyone you are dating until it’s clear that this relationship is going somewhere. Divorce is a lot for kids, and then to have men or women coming in and out of their lives like a revolving door does not help. They just want stability. Keep the dating for the adults, at least until it gets pretty serious.
5. If you are using online apps, be straightforward about who you are and what you want. Be selective. My profile says I’m looking for someone who is honest, easygoing, happy with their life, believes in God, etc. I have never received weird messages or pictures that I’ve heard are common on dating apps and correspondence. Probably because those guys avoid my profile like the plague!
6. Figure out what you are really looking for and why you are dating! When I first jumped into the dating scene, I quickly realized that I was only dating for fun and just dipping my toes into this new world. I barely had time to date, but I still enjoyed meeting new people. I dated a few guys who had never been married and didn’t have kids. While they were all awesome guys, I realized pretty quickly that our lifestyles were VERY different. So I chose to be an adult, and tell them that. That’s not to say it wouldn’t work, but our weekend plans were like night and day – not compatible. (Case 1: A night owl who went out in downtown every Saturday night). There was just NO WAY he would understand staying home on Saturday night, putting the kids down at 7:30 pm, then going to sleep by 10 pm in order to wake up and take the kids to church the next morning. See? Very different weekend routines….Likely not a recipe for a future relationship, but still a fun date and great conversation!
7. Last one. Remember- dating is courting. Be a little old fashioned, and you will get the royal treatment! Let the guy court you! If he is interested, he will want to see you again. He’ll ask you out again. Use these dates to decide if you like him! Listen to him when he talks. (I talk a lot, so I need to remember this tip, too!) Also, go slow. Don’t let things move too quickly- you’ll miss any red flags that might pop up. People tend to get more comfortable after a few dates and show their true colors. You’ll generally know by the 3rd or 4th date if this is something you want to pursue.
And that, my friends, is my take on dating after divorce. Everyone is different, but for most of us, these are good guidelines to follow.
Yes, it’s a new beast. A slightly scary beast. (Or a burning flame, if you like that earlier analogy.) But I know that you (and I) can tame the beast and enjoy the flame of love without getting too burned in the process.
Just stay true to yourself. Be direct. Be honest. And be kind. Good luck out there – your dating adventure awaits!
