Getting Along With Your Ex & Why It Actually IS Important

Last year I read all these books that said fighting with your ex causes extreme emotional damage to children. It annoyed me, to say the least!

While I definitely didn’t want to hurt my kids, the thought of dealing with my ex-husband on a weekly basis, did not put a smile on my face. It made me recoil in anger and disgust.

Yet here I am, smiling at him, saying hi, and occasionally making small talk during pickups and drop offs.

Why do I do this?

Because of my kids. They didn’t ask for this, and it’s not their fault. Their life has been disrupted enough, and they don’t need more anger or fighting right now. What they need are two solid parents who are there for them – not arguing in front of them.

So do my ex and I truly get along? Who knows, at this point. Only time will tell. Small talk is small talk, and we lead separate lives now. And that’s for the best.

But the most accurate reason I can be kind to him is this:

I feel sorry for him.

He ruined his own life. His own family. And he chose that.

And it must eat away at him – because that truth isn’t going anywhere.

The Reality

Initially, of course, I thought he ruined my life too. But it turns out that no one can ruin your life without your consent! I control my life choices from here on out. And my life is far from ruined. In fact, I’m doing great. Yes, it’s terrible to get divorced. Being a single mom is HARD.

But as I’ve talked about before, I have my dignity, faith, family and friends.

I have a home, food, and so much more!

And one of the best things I have? Yep- the knowledge that I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become over the past 15 months. And I’ll never have to explin that or lie to someone in a future relationship. Because, yikes….right?!

And so I’ve learned that it’s fine to be nice to my ex. It’s good for my kids. My daughter said to me “Even though you and Daddy are divorced, you’re still friends!”

And that’s fine if she thinks that.

Moving forward

At some point, he’ll realize what a huge mistake he made, if he hasn’t already. But when he does, or if he does, it won’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter to me now. It doesn’t change anything. Life is short and we all make mistakes, but some mistakes are far worse than others.

So if you are hating on your ex- I totally get it.

Betrayal is earth shattering. It causes intense grief. And divorce? It’s messy and emotional. It’s like when you dip your toes in the ocean, only to get pummeled by a huge set of waves, barely pop up for a breath, get pummeled again, and then tangled in nasty seaweed.

But if you’re here, reading my blog, you probably were the better person in the relationship. Clearly. Go ahead, remind yourself of your amazing qualities. In the end, you will rise above with the grace and empathy that they lack. And you can smile knowing that this life is now yours to live, and no one can ruin it without your consent!

So if you are sharing custody this Easter Weekend and feeling annoyed , angry, or lonely- remind yourself that your kids just want the simple things.

They want to celebrate Easter with their parents, however that may look. And they want to see their parents get along.

So do it for your kids.

Put that smile on your face and enjoy the time that you DO get, even if it’s not much. Focus on the kids, not on the divorce, or the unfairness of the custody schedule.

And I’ll be rooting for you just like I’m rooting for myself!

(And if you don’t get ANY time, shed some tears, eat a chocolate bunny or cadbury egg, call a friend, and go on a long walk! The day is only 24 hours. You WILL get through it – just like you’ve gotten through everything else!)

Have faith. Love with all your heart. And Happy Easter!