An unfortunate reality
“Infidelity threatens our sense of self…A violation of trust.” ~Esther Perel, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talk
If you have ever watched Esther Perel’s Ted Talk, you may remember this quote. She tells us that affairs in the past were discovered by “a receipt in the pants pocket, or lipstick on the collar”. Yet now, the discovery of an affair is usually through technology. And what ensues is a digital trail of emails, text messages, and pictures, that span the length of the affair and reveal the intimate thoughts of both people involved.
It is truly what she calls “death by a thousand cuts”.
Almost a year ago, I discovered my husband’s affair. By accident of course. I wasn’t looking, because I didn’t suspect it. I was a stay at home mom, with a 2 year old son and a daughter who’d turned 4, only weeks prior. I was busy, focused on keeping our family life running smoothly, or as smooth as possible at that stage of life.
When we hear about affairs, we don’t realize the depth of pain and destruction of trust that is associated with them, unless we have experienced it. It is a level of deception that can destroy someone. The foundation of love, trust, and family is gone in an instant. This person who was our most intimate confidant suddenly becomes a stranger in a matter of seconds. It is only then, that we realize how significant or insignificant the actual wedding vows and promises made to each other, truly are.
Which brings me to the question: what has changed? Infidelity has always been around since the beginning of time. Yet this year I have met so many moms who were cheated on, or tossed out like yesterday’s garbage, as they struggled to raise small children.
Is it technology, and the allure of excitement? Is it the abundance and accessibility of pornography? Is it power and greed, the ego persuading them that doing mundane tasks such as washing dishes and coming home after work to play with the kids falls beneath them, and they deserve more? Or is it bad parenting? Parents who (maybe) unknowingly raise their children to be “adult children” instead of true adults, never holding them responsible for their mistakes, and thus stunting their personal growth as they never leave behind the self centered teenage ego. Other parents model narcissism, and an inability to empathize and show compassion to others. Those types of parents typically instill an “I’m always right, and everyone else is wrong” mentality, erroneously believing they are “strong” by never admitting weakness. Or is it a combination of all of these?
While it’s been almost a year to the day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity, I doubt I will ever forget it. That memory will never completely go away, because it changed my beliefs about everything. I can describe in painful detail how the blood rushed from all of my limbs, leaving a tingly feeling throughout my body. My eyes read something that my brain couldn’t comprehend, or wouldn’t comprehend. I remember how I stumbled down the stairs gasping for breath. Surely this was a mistake, or a nightmare that I would wake up from in a mere minute. But no. I was awake. Nine years of a life built together, were destroyed for me in just seconds.
Yet here I am, one year later. I’ve survived. The pain is much less. I know I will find love again, at some point in my life. I will learn to trust again. But I also know that whatever naive beliefs I had about truly knowing someone, are gone forever. People close to us will choose darkness over light. They will make selfish choices that will hurt others. That’s inevitable. But what became my choice last year was to stay bitter and hurt and protect myself from ever feeling that type of pain again, or to choose something else. So I chose something else. I chose to grieve, to wipe my tears, and to pick up the pieces of my fragmented life. I chose to put my faith in the future and all of the possibilities it holds. I chose to hold on to the hope of love, the knowledge of God’s plan, and the belief that I will trust someone again, when the time comes.
