Dating after Divorce – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Now that I’ve piqued your interest, I’ve got to admit that I haven’t seen much ugly in the post divorce dating scene.

Disappointed? Well read on, and you’ll find out why.

Maybe it’s because I’ve just lucked out. Or maybe it’s because this time around, I’m treating dating like it truly is: a way to talk and get to know someone and decide if I truly want to see them again.

It sounds so obvious, right? But do any of us really think of dating like that?

NO…we don’t. We get too caught up in wondering if they like us, if we said the right thing, if we talked to much, how we should act, etc. We turn it into a complicated game, when it doesn’t have to be!

Looking back on my 20’s, I was probably more desperate and less confident in myself. Just like the saying goes, with age comes wisdom!

Back in my 20’s, there seemed to be way more pressure in finding “the one”. (Honestly, I’m not quite sure if I did the choosing, or I let myself be chosen.) I don’t think I quite realized that I would be fine on my own, regardless of whether or not I was married with kids before the age of 30. So my end goal in dating back then was different than what it is now.

Fast forward to now….

Despite initial moments of panic after I split up with my ex-husband (those thoughts included: I’m tainted goods, I’m old, I’ve got two kids, OMG I have to online date now?!), I eventually realized that I was pretty awesome. I realized that I am just fine on my own, and that no, I’m not tainted goods just because I’m divorced with two kids.

I realized that it’s most important for me to be a good role model for my kids and raise them how I see fit. After all, I chose to bring them into this world, and I’m the only mom they’ll ever have. So I want to set a good example for them! Because of this, I will only date someone long term who adds something great to my life AND to their lives. I’m a mom, and who I decide to date not only affects me, but also affects them.

I also realized that I don’t need a significant other to be happy, because I’m totally happy on my own with my kids! It took a while to get our life back on track and figure out this new way of living, but we’ve done it, and my kids are doing great. And they are my priority right now!

So back to dating…

I’ve dated just for fun, knowing that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I’ve started dating, then stopped dating. I’ve met guys who are funny and kind and we have lots in common. I’ve met guys who have never married, and who are divorced. I’ve met guys who are in different stages of life and guys who are in my exact stage of life.

That paragraph above makes it sound like I’ve dated every guy in San Diego! Well I haven’t – alternating weekends doesn’t allow me THAT much time....

But seriously, I have realized that dating is fun, and doesn’t have to be taken so seriously.

So what have I learned this time around?

I’ve learned to treat dating like courting. As in, if a guy likes me, that’s great! He can choose to follow up and ask me out again.

But…

More important than whether he likes me or doesn’t like me is this:

“Do I like him?”

Read it again, ladies. And again. And again.

Just because I had fun on many dates and the guy was nice and asked me out again, does not necessarily mean I want to go out with him again.…Because, as my delightful therapist pointed out to me as I recounted how much “fun” I had on my initial dates, I’m fun…so therefor, I’ll probably have fun on most dates.

Wow. A lightbulb went off in my head when she pointed that out. It had not occurred to me that because of WHO I AM AS A PERSON, I would likely have fun with most of the guys I dated. Because I am easy going, friendly, funny, like to talk with and get to know people, I would likely enjoy most of my dates! And just because I had fun, doesn’t necessarily mean that guy is a match for me!

I mean, it sounds so obvious, but I had never viewed dating like that before, because I was too focused on getting the person to like me, instead of just being me.

Is that true for you, too??

So now, I go into dates with the mentality that I will likely have fun & enjoy the company of the guy I’m with. We can talk and laugh and get to know each other. But I’m not obsessing over whether the guy likes me, or acting like anyone other than myself. (Well, okay, maybe I’m wondering if he likes me, but if he’s laughing at my jokes, he probably does, right?!)

In all seriousness, what matters is if I like him. And if I want to go out with him again.

Dating has always been a hot topic: a mystery to some, stressful to many, and fun for others.

Prior to getting married, I enjoyed dating. I always had a good time, even when I was so focused on getting the person to like me. And now, the second time around, it’s even better. Not because of the guys, but because of me. Because I’m solid in who I am, and I reflect that in my conversation and composure.

So be yourself!

Let your awesomeness shine through, and dating will be easier and more fun!

I’ve learned to be direct and be who I am. If that’s not what the other person is looking for, that’s completely fine! It’s still fun to go out and have dinner and get to know someone new.

And ladies, who doesn’t want to get dressed up and captivate someone’s attention for a few hours? I mean, come one! Dating CAN be fun!

So make sure to check back next week for a few of my tips on dating after divorce…But until then, I’ll be focusing on looking cute (and comfortable) with kids!